By Annie Kaszina
This week I finally got round to watching "The Wedding Date" anenjoyable -if slight - romantic comedy.
The plot, for anyone not familiar with it, has reluctantsingleton Debra Messing attending her step-sister's wedding witha male "escort", Dermot Mulroney, who combines perfect eye-candylooks with gentlemanly charms and a comprehensive fee perservice policy.
The Messing character needs to have Mulroney in tow because herex, who inexplicably dumped her, is the best man.
The action is simple and predictable: girl meets boy, girl andboy connect at some profound yet unclear level, they fall intobed together, argue, break up and then end up back together, allsmiles and tears while we the audience buy into the idea of themtoddling off into the sunset of Happily Ever After.
This is indeed the stuff of "rom com" and romance, according toThe Oxford English Reference dictionary, is about "an atmosphereor tendency characterized by a sense of remoteness from oridealization of everyday life". Quite. Except that we don'tentirely suspend disbelief even when we are watching romanticcomedies.
At some point, every one of us has longed for that fuzzyultimate feel-good sense of being regarded as the perfectinhabitant of a perfect world by our perfect partner.
Whatever the problem is, love is the answer. Love is all youneed, after all. So Mulroney is a male sex worker. Not aproblem. He gets all the best lines, from the philosophical:"You get the relationships you want", to " I think I'd miss youeven if we'd never met" and this line that would sit well in themouth of any abuser: "I'd rather fight with you than make lovewith anyone else."
Aaah! And yuk! Aaah because both leads are so good looking (andtoned and well dressed) that they're just bound to be happytogether ever. Yuk because flimsy love stories still impact onour psyche at the subliminal level, teaching us that you canbuild strong relationships on hopelessly inadequate foundations.
Sooner or later, we all try it, are amazed when it doesn't workand punish ourselves. Often before repeating the same processwith the self-same outcome.
Michael Gerber's "The E-Myth Revisited" - Why Most SmallBusinesses Don't Work And What To Do About It" urges businessowners to develop strong visions for their companies.
How does that translate to women (and men) who have survivedabusive relationships? Surprisingly well. Since we are all,first and last, flawed human beings, our design flaws in any onearea of life are likely to impact on other areas also. And so itis that Gerber's comments about replacing assumptions (andaspirations and dreams) with clear-sighted strategies relate toour emotional world also.
Gerber writes:
"Most of us have had the experience of being disappointed bysomeone in whom we have put our trust... trust alone can onlytake us so far. Trust alone can set us up to repeat thosesame disappointing experiences. (my italics)
Because true trust comes from knowing, not from blind faith.
And to know, one must understand.
And to understand, one must have an intimate awareness of whatconditions are truly present. What people know and what theydon't. What people do and what they don't. What people want andwhat they don't. How people do what they do and how peopledon't. Who people are and who they aren't."
It becomes possible to develop 'an intimate awareness of whatconditions are truly present' when you are prepared to leave onhold the romantic justification: "Love is all you need" for aslong as it takes to work through the various stages ofrelationship building - which Gerber defines as 'Infancy','Adolescence', 'Beyond the Comfort Zone' and 'Maturity'.
"And how am I supposed to manage that, Clever Clogs?" you mightbe wondering. Once again, Gerber has a useful answer - if youare prepared to replace the term "relationship" with "business".
Gerber talks at length about working on the business rather thanin the business - a fascinating concept for anyone who has everspent time trying to pick up the broken pieces of a relationshipin the wake of a partner's abusive outburst.
Gerber says: "Simply put, your job is to prepare yourself andyour business for growth. To educate yourself sufficiently sothat, as your business grows, the business's foundation andstructures can carry the additional weight. And as awesome aresponsibility as that may seem to you, you have no other choice- if your business is to thrive, that is." (my italics)
Having spoken with hundreds of abused women over the years, Ican say with confidence that abusive men do not change theirspots. They may use concealer when you first meet and fall forthem, and their spots may proliferate over time, but still thosespots are there from the start.
The Love-is-all-you-need approach will blind you to the spots.Working from the outset at establishing a foundation ofreciprocal care, respect and equality will quickly enable you tosee the face behind the concealer.
I've yet to encounter an abuser who can manage selflessness forlonger than it takes to earn a few vital brownie points. Andeven then they don't just do it, they make a 10 course banquetof it.
Nor do abusers do solid foundations. Love is all they need. Whatthey term love - over time increasingly a justification for allmanner of bad behaviour - is most unlikely to be all you need.
That said, would I turn down the chance to parade DermotMulroney at a family function? No way. He would add a whole newdimension to a forthcoming bash at a Kosher Chinese restaurantin suburban London (truly!).
But I'd like to think that if he came out with a killer linelike: "I'd rather fight with you etc.etc.", I'd do thehonourable thing and drag the sole of my hobnail boot along hisshin. Hard. Because I'm not too sure where that would fit withmy compelling long-term vision of a possible relationship.
(C) 2005 Annie Kaszina
To contact Annie, email: annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribeto Annie's bi-monthly ezine, or order her eBook "The Woman YouWant To Be" go to www.joyfulcoaching.co
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